tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28837640100463643762024-03-20T02:34:46.438-07:00Beats and BoatsPandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.comBlogger51125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-17099394049799322432015-01-30T01:18:00.002-08:002015-01-30T01:18:09.505-08:00integrity <span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, 'Nimbus Sans L', Arial, 'Liberation Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 26.3999996185303px;">Another use of the term, "integrity" appears in the work of </span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/wiki/Michael_Jensen" style="background-color: white; background-image: none; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #5a3696; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, 'Nimbus Sans L', Arial, 'Liberation Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 26.3999996185303px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;" title="Michael Jensen">Michael Jensen</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, 'Nimbus Sans L', Arial, 'Liberation Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 26.3999996185303px;"> and </span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/wiki/Werner_Erhard" style="background-color: white; background-image: none; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #5a3696; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, 'Nimbus Sans L', Arial, 'Liberation Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 26.3999996185303px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;" title="Werner Erhard">Werner Erhard</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, 'Nimbus Sans L', Arial, 'Liberation Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 26.3999996185303px;"> in their academic paper, "Integrity: A Positive Model that Incorporates the Normative Phenomenon of Morality, Ethics, and Legality". In this paper the authors explore a new model of integrity as the state of being whole and complete, unbroken, unimpaired, sound, and in perfect condition. They posit a new model of integrity that provides access to increased performance for individuals, groups, organizations, and societies. Their model "reveals the causal link between integrity and increased performance, quality of life, and value-creation for all entities, and provides access to that causal link."</span>Pandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-11994434777184259022014-06-19T02:05:00.001-07:002014-06-19T20:05:24.736-07:00The Good Momentum<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"So what is left attached to the man who has reached the Self and seen Truth is the remnant of the good impressions of his past life, the good momentum. Even if he lives in the body and works incessantly, he works only to do good; his lips speak only benediction to all; his hands do only good works; his mind can think only good thoughts; his presence is a blessing wherever he goes. He is himself a living blessing. Such a man will, by his very presence, change even the most wicked persons into saints." - <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Jnana-Yoga-Swami-Vivekananda/dp/0911206213">Jnana Yoga, Swami Vivekananda</a></div>
Pandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-33225779047768070552014-05-28T03:06:00.000-07:002014-06-19T20:07:36.434-07:00Grow a Pair<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
Change is imminent (once again).<br />
<br />
I'm trying to concentrate but right now there is a kitten screeching in my living room. I have brief moments of alarm several times a day when I realize what a crazy cat lady I've become, and I worry that I've slipped into two-dimensionality and that my life is just cats and the beach, and not much more.<br />
<br />
All that is a total illusion though. I never would have guessed three years ago that I would be where I am now, doing what I'm doing where I'm doing it. And my experiences here have been so much more complex and rich than I have led the Internet to believe.<br />
<br />
So I thought I would set the record straight by injecting a little honesty into this black hole of infinite information of indiscriminate value that is the blogosphere. I've done it in the past when I was sad, so it's only fair that I do it now too, when life is so different but things are still changing.<br />
<br />
I owe it to myself to write about all this, if anything so I can learn from it in the future.<br />
<br />
Right now change is imminent and I can feel it like a pressure drop, or a rise in moisture and the thickness of it. I'm in the thick of it (again) and I want to say it doesn't concern me much, but here I am riding this see-saw between who I was, where I am and what I want to become and I have found myself, once again, wondering if I have done enough.<br />
<br />
The moments that led to my realizing that my best was enough were humbling. They brought me to my knees. They made me aware of my own short-givings and gave me a different kind of modesty, and a real understanding that compassion mattered. More recent moments are leading to me realizing that what I'm doing now, is no longer my best. I can do more. My best is yet to come. And it's time for me to reach for it.<br />
<br />
I'm getting married in 90-something days, which means everything is happening all at once all the time. The last time I wrote extensively, I was going through a painful break-up. I was lonely.<br />
<br />
This time, it's a little harder because I'm not lonely, I'm just overwhelmed. There are so many things to think about all the time, and most of them are lovely.<br />
<br />
Life is good. But I want more, and I think I can get it. I think I have what it takes.<br />
<br />
It's easy to lose perspective on this whole growth process, because it seems to happen slowly and quickly at the same time. We're like rose babies reaching full stop for the sunlight. Sometimes we fell somewhere glorious and we just shoot straight up, other times we sprout in the shadows. I like to think I'm the kind of sprout who's sassy enough to grow claws and crawl into the sunlight. I want to crawl into the sunlight and bloom. I think it'll be really spectacular.<br />
<br />
First, I've got to grow a pair. By that I mean a pair of wings - I need to engineer these things made of pure wit and hard-earned wisdom that will take me anywhere I need to go. I've got them now and I feel pretty confident in them - at least, as confident as I'll ever be. Here I am standing on the ledge of the rest of my life and the only way to really soar like I want to do, like I do in my dreams - is to trust my readiness completely and lean into free fall.<br />
<br />
It's not like I haven't fallen before. I've fallen plenty by now. This is a different kind of fall. This is the kind of fall that is so aerodynamically precise that it catapults you to - somewhere - who gives a crap because I mean look at yourself - you're flying.<br />
<br />
Anyway that's where I am. I've built myself a new pair of wings and I'm going for it.Pandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-48099609925545681322014-04-11T22:14:00.002-07:002014-04-11T22:17:35.012-07:00A Master of Mastery<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 19px; line-height: 25px;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 25px;">"I’m convinced that being </span><em style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 25px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">a world-class learner </em><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 25px;">is much more important to your success in business (and in life) than having any kind of advanced degree. In fact, I become more sure every day that the ability to learn quickly and deeply is the single most important skill for the 21st century. Someone who’s a great learner will take best and fullest advantage of time spent in business school – but he or she will also take best and fullest advantage of all the circumstances and resources available to him or her every day. The key is that ability to learn – it’s like a continuously revving engine of growth. I actually wish there was another word for it – ‘learning’ has such boring, schoolroom-ish connotations as a word. How about mastery? Maybe we should call such people </span><em style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 25px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">masters of mastery</em><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 25px;">." - Erika Anderson <a href="http://www.forbes.com/sites/erikaandersen/2013/07/27/why-spending-150k-on-an-mba-is-probably-a-dumb-idea/">"Why Spending $150K On An MBA is Probably a Dumb Idea"</a></span></span>Pandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-66354057678349560232014-03-22T12:40:00.003-07:002014-03-22T12:43:01.553-07:00An Educated Woman<br />
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"I don't understand why people fear an educated woman. Well maybe I do. Because it is clear that ignorance is no match for a curious mind, and hatred and oppression are no match for the human heart. Compassion and love will guide us, and freedom will be our reward. " - Bones, Season 9 Episode 16 "The Source in the Sludge"</div>
Pandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-6873788060924118652013-08-15T12:32:00.001-07:002013-08-15T12:32:23.559-07:00Expand Into the Power Vacuum<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i>"He had come to two beliefs. One was that in any organization there is always a lot of loose, unused power lying about which can be picked up without alienating anyone. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>The second rule is, if you want power and want to expand, never encroach on anyone else's domain; open up new ones. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>"I call it 'Expanding into the power vacuum'" Demara proudly explains. "It works this way. If you come into a new situation (there's a nice word for it) don't join some other professor's committee and try to make your mark by moving up in that committee. You'll, one, have a long haul and two, make an enemy." </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Demara's technique is to found your own committee. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>"That way there's no competition, no past standards to measure you by. How can anyone tell you aren't running a top outfit? And then there's no past laws or rules or precedents to hold you down or limit you. Make your own rules and interpretations. Nothing like it. Remember it, expand into the power vacuum!"</i><br />
<br />
-<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ferdinand_Waldo_Demara">Ferdinand Waldo Demara, "The Great Imposter"</a>Pandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-79168166647641569992013-05-18T20:49:00.002-07:002013-05-18T20:49:06.709-07:00Politics"Politics is too important to be left to politicians." -Fmr. Senator Warren RudmanPandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-70342915969597092692013-05-06T16:36:00.001-07:002013-05-06T16:36:44.783-07:00We Could Be Wrong<center> <img src="http://thesalesblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Screen-Shot-2013-03-06-at-6.49.10-PM.png"></center><p>This internal sense of right-ness that we all experience so often is not a reliable guide to what is actually going on in the external world. And when we act like it is, and we stop entertaining the possibility that we could be wrong, that's when we start doing things like dumping millions of gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico. Or torpedoing the global economy.
<p>
- Kathryn Schulz: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QleRgTBMX88&feature=youtu.be">On Being Wrong</a>
Pandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-39874248800598095342013-04-28T23:34:00.003-07:002013-05-06T16:48:36.102-07:00Forgetting is About Editing<center><img src="http://www.newscientist.com/data/images/ns/cms/teaser/blog/201210/main-etc120650-anne-frank_cmyk-500.jpg"></center><p>Forgetting well is almost as important as remembering well. Forgetting is about editing. It's about taking the flood, the ocean of sense information coming at you, and forgetting everything but what's important. <p>
- Gavin E. Crooks, <a href="http://video.pbs.org/video/1283872815/">The Botany of Desire</a>Pandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-70662445125505678972013-04-10T22:55:00.000-07:002013-04-10T23:04:07.644-07:00The Inhumane Context
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEh3p9Iq40XZgpB31SzmqWvfm5-Lb25CT5tpHguCJSO8GWgN0_4h8A7ST5SvnuUA6uh3KxIjDchsEjTWKBqs5zamIREXvzTvzEsfxMQvxMl_kvT-lo-Avm4h_uuKYxcJBpKa4njIDhrlccar1y8HeWsJ0Zhx3hHEcg=" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEh3p9Iq40XZgpB31SzmqWvfm5-Lb25CT5tpHguCJSO8GWgN0_4h8A7ST5SvnuUA6uh3KxIjDchsEjTWKBqs5zamIREXvzTvzEsfxMQvxMl_kvT-lo-Avm4h_uuKYxcJBpKa4njIDhrlccar1y8HeWsJ0Zhx3hHEcg=" width="500" height="470" /></a>
"Any truly effective therapeutic approach, however, would require a thorough examination of the inhumane context in which minds function - and, presumably, a comprehensive systemic rewiring."
- <a href="http://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/opinion/2013/04/201347115119833454.html">Belen Fernandez</a>
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"Too much belief in the supernatural makes us ignorant, but too much reliance on science and logic would make us arrogant."
- "The Aswang Phenomenon"Pandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-75600533526092703932012-12-25T03:51:00.000-08:002013-08-15T12:42:52.505-07:00her extraordinary dignity and virtue<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"There was a woman at Alexandria named Hypatia, daughter of the philosopher Theon, who made such attainments in literature and science, as to far surpass all the philosophers of her own time. Having succeeded to the school of Plato and Plotinus, she explained the principles of philosophy to her auditors, many of whom came from a distance to receive her instructions. On account of the self-possession and ease of manner which she had acquired in consequence of the cultivation of her mind, she not infrequently appeared in public in the presence of the magistrates. Neither did she feel abashed in going to an assembly of men. For all men on account of her extraordinary dignity and virtue admired her the more.”
—Socrates Scholasticus, Ecclesiastical HistoryPandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-80710842437143000392012-11-24T01:26:00.000-08:002012-11-24T01:41:37.014-08:00Return to Origin<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<p>I don't know if I correctly remember who I once was. Now as I listen to myself recount the events of my past I found I have embellished, bedazzled, sculpted and polished my memories into beautiful accoutrements fit for a person of honor. I try to remember who I was but through new (older) eyes I only see someone who does not see what I see and at first I feel wiser, but then I remember that if I don't understand her then I must not be able to see what she sees, either. <p>
I worry about this, sometimes. All things wither and die in their cycles, sands take form and are swept away but I still like to think some part of me is always reaching up, always and forever. Some part of me understands, and is determined to understand, forever. <p>
I feel like when I 'get it' I understand that she is me, and that I am still her. Sometimes I bend time-space with calculations using variables representing inconceivable units. Sometimes I feel like I'm there, and everything is plugged in, and I have the proper cables and the universe and I are aligned and now I can fly, or swim, be a superhero or something equally fantastic. At least, I can open my soul to you and with some strange alchemy transform words into the rarest sampling of my most perfect, true, humiliating and illuminating moments in time, and circumstance, and chance. At least, I can relive at will every moment savored in my recent life. At least I can travel through time. No big deal. <p>
Sometimes I struggle with wanting to climb mountains while equally also liking it just fine on the ground. Sometimes I think there are things I'll never be able to do in a million years. I used to grieve over the realization that I would get older, and at a certain point, I would no longer have the potential to do certain things. I suppose this is the lamentation of every being that is programmed to strive. <p>
The system is faulty, but not broken. The game is not winnable, but still fun. What would happen if I reject the notion that I am not who I am and just adopt the persona of my wildest imagination? Would it be all fun and games? Would it be a nightmare? <p>
Am I doing it right now, as I type this? <p>
I was telling a story to someone I had just met yesterday. I have a story for everything. I could write about an empty can, and make it mean something to me. My memories have engineered an intricate road map that navigates me through the complexity of being alive, and the older I get the more these roads pave and I can maneuver life's events with increasing grace and ease. A librarian has categorized every memory by vintage to be mulled, cured, aged and perfected for exactly the right moment. I must pay attention to the moments around me because magic only happens when all the elements are able to make it to stage for curtain call. <p>
Making something out of nothing takes moxie, but we do it every day and all the time. We enlighten, entertain, enrage and intrigue each other. We excite and enjoy and disgust and manipulate each other with our stories. <p>
There is a myth I have constructed, that I am a mediocre and insignificant person. She follows me like a ghostly asterisk on every epiphany, constantly reminding me that nothing I say matters, and nobody wants to hear it. I have dreams and also actual moments in my life when I try to tell people something, but they didn't hear me and I feel invisible. <p>
No one wants to go unheard. No one wants to be invisible. <p>
I let this person exist, the one that reduces contrast in my dynamic life and makes it all look grey. Like an asshole. <p>
As my paths become beaten I watch the grass die beneath my feet. The more I trudge in the same direction the muddier the ground, and my steps become labored. I no longer get lost but sometimes I look at the ways I have not gone, green patches, pure and untouched and I feel that like a beast, I have destroyed what was once beautiful. <p>
It makes me think of the burning cane fields... the soot, and the smell. It makes me think about how we burn acres of plants to the ground, and kick dust into our childrens' lungs so we can put sugar into our tea. We humans find so much of what we do ugly and despicable. It makes me wonder how we got to be so self-loathing, and what could possibly happen if we all forgave ourselves for being human. Something tells me it would be quite transforming, in an upward sort of way. <p>
Pandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-46589835807731125642012-10-03T23:38:00.000-07:002012-10-03T23:38:39.954-07:00What is the future of story?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://abcnews.go.com/images/Technology/ht_cave_painting_nt_120613_wblog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="269" width="478" src="http://abcnews.go.com/images/Technology/ht_cave_painting_nt_120613_wblog.jpg" /></a></div>
<p>
<b>What is the future of story?</b><p>
"In the digital age, people are reading less fiction, but this is because they've found new ways to jam extra story into their lives--on average we watch five hours of TV per day, listen to hours of songs, and spend more and more time playing story-centric video games. I think we are seeing, in video games, the birth of what will become the 21st century's dominant form of storytelling. The fantasy lands of online games like World of Warcraft attract tens of millions of players, who spend an average of 20–30 hours per week adventuring in interactive story. Players describe the experience of these games as "being inside a novel as it is being written." In upcoming decades, as computing power increases exponentially, these virtual worlds are going to become so attractive that we will be increasingly reluctant to unplug. So the real danger isn't that story will disappear from our lives. It is that story will take them over completely."<p>
- Jonathan Gottschall, Author, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0547391404/ref=ox_ya_os_product">"The Storytelling Animal: How Stories Make Us Human"</a>Pandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-66860532396474609232012-09-15T12:14:00.002-07:002012-09-15T12:16:40.971-07:00Blue Moments<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9E8FHSj8k64Vr1Eo2bupc4pLc_gaAU4IL-yI69AS9t0rdQ_8dFpr9_7_hNCoPOtt00XbF4MFqqly1vspvg0jEirGlqMxLvCwiiiFflCbcb4g3zcnBPd2hM4RwXnvkZqcP5YbAKMbuQHdf/s1600/Waterdrop6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="318" width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9E8FHSj8k64Vr1Eo2bupc4pLc_gaAU4IL-yI69AS9t0rdQ_8dFpr9_7_hNCoPOtt00XbF4MFqqly1vspvg0jEirGlqMxLvCwiiiFflCbcb4g3zcnBPd2hM4RwXnvkZqcP5YbAKMbuQHdf/s400/Waterdrop6.jpg" /></a></div>
<p>
"Life gives us all moments- I call them "blue moments" - where the brilliant light shines through the ordinary moments in our ordinary days. They come unsolicited and unannounced, and provide us with the gift of significance and, if we are lucky, the opportunity to serve. <p>
What is important to remember is these ARE gifts-, and that we cannot receive them if we are not open to them. We need to listen closely, watch closely, and take not to rush past or through them when they arrive. They are the fabric of our lives, and they will weave themselves with complexity and beauty if we give them time to do so." - <a href="http://kentnerburn.com/about">Kent Nerburn</a>Pandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-22031489515069156372012-03-26T16:06:00.002-07:002013-08-15T12:42:33.373-07:00after some bukowski<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />
I'm trying to write and I feel like I'm choking, like my throat is dry and I am tired and what I have to say probably doesn't matter that much, anyway. I want to say that I never really thought it mattered, but some part of me does, anyway. <br />
<br />
It's true, I am a little bit of a narcissist. But your mother was always right, those of us who exude confidence are the ones who have painted the picture around themselves that everything is exactly as it should be. They are magicians of their own mind, and their extraordinary delusions make them absolutely fascinating. <br />
<br />
I like to imagine worlds where words mean different things, like a world in which systematic murder is a really great thing, or a world in which you were punished for trying to save each other. I don't mean to be dark, it's just an honest question- what would people be like, if these were the rules?<br />
<br />
I am not totally sure what a lot of the rules are, here and now. Delusion is a strange thing and it's dangerous territory. As I try to understand the context of my actions from as many different perspectives as possible, part of me just likes to believe that this library of perspectives has morphed into this monstrous meta-perspective all covered in tattoos, and veiny and totally kick ass. <br />
<br />
It likes to imagine worlds where things are different, where people use their interconnectedness to make the world a better place. It likes to imagine a world where we could be proud to be human beings again. And I don't mean to be naive, it's a serious question - what would people be like if these were our goals?<br />
<br />
I see the world through a filter of awesome experiences and tragedies and reckonings. I see it happening. I have been many mythological versions of myself and from where I am sitting, my life has been like riding a roller coaster on a day when the conditions are perfect and you're still young and naive enough to feel like you might die, so your body is marinating you in chemicals that make all the atoms in your body want to fuck all the atoms in the universe.Pandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-79845391793511838562011-11-24T11:45:00.000-08:002011-11-24T11:55:35.182-08:00on growth: upward, outward, inward<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv3hqcI8RQk5iWCHJphnlLQODM8oFX7Ya0HWniwesdVlpWPm1Ct0edsaq66YSv6SDVx6_4t6fwgMzr1MocA4WPWOw0EYV6aAJsPHBzbypCgGv0nSKaC4MpMlrBTqNMR7TjSER3Jh28Ia7k/s1600/473701.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv3hqcI8RQk5iWCHJphnlLQODM8oFX7Ya0HWniwesdVlpWPm1Ct0edsaq66YSv6SDVx6_4t6fwgMzr1MocA4WPWOw0EYV6aAJsPHBzbypCgGv0nSKaC4MpMlrBTqNMR7TjSER3Jh28Ia7k/s400/473701.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5678653386285714018" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br />This year I thought I would try out growing up, so I've been taking things a lot more seriously- which is, in truth, actually a whole lot more fun than it sounds.<br /><br />What do I mean? I mean that I scoff less at people who I think are being ignorant, or needy, or mean, or otherwise imperfect because I know that sometimes I am also ignorant, needy, mean and otherwise imperfect.<br /><br />I mean I don't get angry as much about the state of our country, or about the problems handed to my generation cultivated by the mistakes of past generations. Instead, I try to use the resources now available to me to come up with considerate and educated solutions, and I try to give the people in my life the hope, strength and tools they need to do it, too.<br /><br />I do this because things may have been handed to us in this condition, but it's OUR world now- ours to change in a way that only we can. We may not be able to see the impact of the work we do in our lifetimes, but we can take steps in a positive direction anyway, if we want to.<br /><br />We can care about it, ourselves and each other if we want to. Because there is something luminous about what sort of spirit lives in the hearts of those who left the world a better place than they found it. It's something beautiful and it makes everything worth it.<br /><br />I work a lot more, and I mess around less. I used to hate the idea of putting effort toward something other than my own pursuit of pleasure. My idea of freedom was not what it is today. I work a lot. I take my job seriously, I'm proud of the work I do. I have a lot less time to do nothing (or at least have the option of doing nothing). But I am free to live a purpose-filled life, and I am free to do it in creative, unconventional and heart-warming ways. I work, and I get tired, but it's the Good Work, like I said I would do years before I understood what it meant, back when I only wanted to do it because I knew it was the ultimate source of pleasure.<br /><br />A lot of things happen that aren't very fun when you grow up, like rent hikes, paperwork, budgets, moving furniture, sick kitties, pink eye, and car troubles. We get parking tickets and have to do responsible things like actually pay them, along with a bunch of other bills I used to ignore until they became a bigger problem than they needed to be.<br /><br />They're not really a big deal, though. That's up to us, right? What's the big deal?<br /><br />Alex and I aren't rich, or famous, or royalty but we live a life of great privilege, and I am thankful for being aware of that. We have our health, and jobs we love. We have families that we miss because they are so great and such an important part of our lives. We have old friends and new friends that we appreciate and two cats that we love to care for. We live in a beautiful place, and most of all, we have each other to share it with.<br /><br />None of these things are without their sacrifices and stresses. All of these things take a lot of effort to have, and to keep. I'm thankful for finally having the common sense now that I'm older, to realize that self-pity is a waste of time. No one owes me a happy life- it's up to me to recognize the privileges I have, and to recognize that my choice to pursue a happy, appreciative life is a privilege in itself.<br /><br />I still have to deal with just about the same amount of crappy stuff as I did years ago, it all just doesn't seem as huge and overwhelming anymore. Is that why it's called growing up? Maybe the more you mature, the smaller the problems appear.<br /><br />Some day, what I've written in earnest here will seem naive to my future self. Things are good right now, so it's easy to feel like I figured out something important. But, I think I really did figure out something important- and I'm sure I will figure out something else equally important when I reflect on these good times years from now, when I might be either weaker or stronger than I am now, because when you grow up you don't shoot up infinitely into the sky, you break down and rebuild like an old New England square... you may not always be at your best, but you'll always have just a little bit more character.Pandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-51126808398952794982011-05-04T20:30:00.000-07:002011-05-04T20:58:16.558-07:00Leaps of FaithI haven't felt this overwhelmed in a while. To be honest, I haven't felt overwhelmed in this particular way, ever, in my life. Things are changing, but not like they changed before. <br /><br />At this point in my life I think I'm finally able to see the consequences of the choices I am making. What I mean is, the difference is I finally realize that when you reach out toward something new, when you pursue your hopes and dreams, you transition from an environment full of blessings and faults, into yet another environment, with both of those things, every time and always.<br /><br />I think there's a good chance I might get hired for my dream job. I try not to get my hopes up, but based on the facts it seems highly likely. At the very least, I'm faced with the possibility of it and now, I am thinking about it. As always, my future is just on the horizon and I am envisioning possible trajectories, which is a very human thing to do. As one of my best friends put it, things could be worse. Things could be stagnant. <br /><br />What may happen if I get hired is unimaginable. I would have a full time job doing something I love in the only place that ever felt like home to me. What may happen if I do not get hired, is also unimaginable. I just know that no matter what, great things are on the horizon. <br /><br />I love so many people, and I am so loved. I can't tell you how satisfying this is to me, but you probably know because you are loved, too. It feels really good to know this, and it seems like a really simple thing to understand, but its taken me my whole life to really know this. <br /><br />How can you lose, then? What can you do, except be happy, be a better person and know your own beauty the way you know the beauty of those around you. Look at us broken, flawed things. Look how perfect we are. Sometimes I can't even stand it and I think my heart is going to burst and I mistake it for pain, and I'm threatened by it. <br /><br />I am scared. I know how much I am going to miss my family, and most of all, how much I am going to miss Alex. My life without him, just doesn't shine as bright. I used to be afraid of relying on a person like that. But after all we've both gone through, we are brave and our hearts are strong, but more importantly our hearts are strong for each other. It's not that he makes me invincible, it's that he makes me aware of my own invincibility. <br /><br />I'm scared because even though I am going to be doing something wonderful, in a wonderful place with wonderful people, I will have to let go of some other wonderful things. I won't get to have pedicures and dinner and yogurt with my mom and talk about how we're both growing up and moving into different phases in our lives. I won't get to have beer and play games with my brothers. I won't be a short plane ride away from my Boston family and I won't be able to spend the summer at Riverside with Alex and the Bishops. <br /><br />Maybe I'm not so much scared as I mourn the loss of those possibilities. But I've made decisions like this before, and they have made me who I am, which is someone I don't regret becoming. I made the choice when I was 13 to stay in Fort Worth with my grandparents to go to Country Day School. I gave up the remainder of my childhood with my mother and watching my brothers grow up. But I don't even know who I would have become if I hadn't made that choice, and it was the right choice, because here I am and I love you, and I know that I am loved.<br /><br />I have to let go. I have to be patient.<br /><br />I was thinking earlier today as I was rushing around waiting tables to make sure my customers did not have to wait long, that patience is really the most valuable thing you could ever learn. <br /><br />I was just thinking, everything around us tells us to hurry. We want to do things faster, have things sooner, and get from point A to point B as efficiently as possible. But who is it that decided that the efficient way was the best way? Most of the time, it isn't. When you want something done right, it is probably much more likely to happen when it is done with consideration, and not in a rush.<br /><br />I know that most of my sadness is coming from knowing that I won't see Alex for a while. I miss him so much. Moving across the planet from him is the last thing my heart wants to do. Every day I wish I could hold him.<br /><br />But I know that taking this job is the right thing to do, because loving someone means that you love yourself enough to know that you need to make decisions based on what will shape you into the best version of yourself, and just have faith that if you belong with someone, your paths will find each other. I will always be looking for him. And I know we will find each other, it just might not be soon. So I guess, it's more a matter of impatience than anything else. Impatience is what makes these tears fall down these cheeks.Pandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-1861338519464303102011-01-14T10:56:00.000-08:002011-01-14T10:59:47.149-08:00The Final Form of LoveNothing that is worth doing can be achieved in our lifetime; therefore, we must be saved by hope. ... <br />Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore, we are saved by love. <br />No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as it is from our standpoint. <br />Therefore, we must be saved by the final form of love, which is forgiveness.”<br /><br />Reinhold NiebuhrPandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-74232096553880403152011-01-03T18:15:00.000-08:002011-01-03T18:20:54.007-08:00The Union of Man and Nature<center>"Leda and the Swan" by Leonardo Da Vinci<p><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.oceansbridge.com/paintings/artists/d/Da_Vinci_Leonardo/oil-big/Leonardo_da_Vinci_Leda_and_the_Swan_1505_10.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 450px; height: 590px;" src="http://www.oceansbridge.com/paintings/artists/d/Da_Vinci_Leonardo/oil-big/Leonardo_da_Vinci_Leda_and_the_Swan_1505_10.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a></center><br /><p>"It is nobler to imitate things in nature, which are in fact the real images, than to imitate in words, the words and deeds of man."<br /><br />- Leonardo Da Vinci, c. 1506-1508Pandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-50520018396352109572011-01-03T12:00:00.000-08:002011-01-03T12:49:04.399-08:00Born of Failure“It hasn’t been some kind of fairy tale for me. All of my success has been born of failure. Your childhood dreams are always tales of glory; reality is a lot messier and more dramatic.”<br /><br />- Sean Parker, Founder of Napster, Former President of Facebook, Vanity Fair, October 2010<br /><br />"The creation of a business from the embryo of a concept is the genius of the entrepreneur."<br /><br />- Eduardo Saverin, Co-Founder, FacebookPandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-32789280792270677402010-12-31T06:28:00.000-08:002011-01-03T18:34:21.724-08:00An Imaginary ToolWhen I woke up this morning, I saw that I had typed this on my facebook status update on my phone but did not post it.<br /><br />"I dreamt all night about my grandmother who passed away one year ago to the hour.. I dreamt that we had this week between Christmas eve to spend with her but then she got sick again. We spent all night trying to get across the world to bring her an 'imaginary tool' that would fix her, but then we realized that doing a dance for her would help about as much so we all sat in a circle and my mom danced for her until sunrise in a yellow print dress and it was beautiful.. Then i got an email that she died again this morning and cried ( I woke to alex texting me that he was going in for surgery).. Also, I had some kind of inception-style dream within a dream that my grandmother sent me a message to my family to tell them not to ignore the conflicts between them, and that allowing a family relationship to deteriorate was disrespectful to her.. Anyway sorry if no one cares about this and it's the longest status update ever, I'm just trying to write it down before I forget and this is the screen my phone was on."Pandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-8863139738064080592010-12-31T01:03:00.000-08:002010-12-31T01:22:28.524-08:00Last Night You Saved My LifeThank you to my partner and best friend <a href="alexincyde.blogspot.com">Alex Incyde</a> for reminding me of this passage. <br /><br />The original quote characterizes 'the DJ' as male, but just for kicks I thought I would change all the 'he''s to 'she''s. You know, just for kicks. Enjoy!<P><center><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.audiodrums.com/audio/2010/08/Tiesto.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 500px; height: 290px;" src="http://www.audiodrums.com/audio/2010/08/Tiesto.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a></center><p><br /><br />"The disc jockey has been with us for almost a century now. In that time she has been ignored, misunderstood, despised, worshipped and adored. She has stayed in the forefront of music, twisting and shaping it into fresh forms, perverting technology and forcing from it stunning new sounds. She has conjured a series of novel genres in her endless search for material to keep her dancers moving. In the U.S. the DJ created amazing music, then the UK gave her a home and made her a star. She continued her magic and around her there grew a musical culture more revolutionary and more enduring than any before.<br /><br />Having forged music more truly universal than any preceding it, the DJ is arguably a conduit for celebration and communion on a global scale. It's possible that the DJ is the ultimate expression of the ancient shamanic role; that the DJ is the greatest witchdoctor there has ever been, unmatched at shaking us out of the drudge of the day and into the life of the night.<br /><br />Why do we worship at the knees of the record-slinger? Because she is occasionally capable of divinity. When it all connects in a club, there's nowhere you can have more fun.<br /><br />'A really great DJ is capable of making a bad record sound okay, a good record sound great, and a great record sound fantastic - by the context they put them in, and what they put around them. How they steer them. They can do all kinds of tricks. A great DJ can make people spontaneously cheer just for a little squelchy noise. Which is quite insane really. A little noise like wha-wha-wha and people go, 'Yeeeaaah!' They can have people clapping along to a cymbal, just by the way they're bringing it in. When it's done well, it's fantastic. If it's done really well, it can be quite transcendental.'<br /><center><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3506/3713764195_04980a8138.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 500px; height: 333px;" src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3506/3713764195_04980a8138.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a></center><br /><br />It's a mystic art indeed. It seems so banal, but it holds the potential of phenomenal, inexpressible power. A great DJ can arouse more raw emotion in her audience than the composer of the most bittersweet opera, or the author of the most uplifting novel, or the director of the most life-affirming film.<br /><br />When you're DJing and you're great at it, you're not playing records, you're playing the dancefloor. You're not just mixing tunes, you're mixing energy and emotions, mixing from surprise into hope and happiness, cutting from liberation to ecstasy and love. When it goes right, you're inside the bodies of everyone in the room, you know what they're feeling and where they're going, and you're taking them there. You're sweeping them off the earthly plane and transporting them to a higher place. You're moving their bodies and their souls with the music that flows from your fingertips.<br /><br />You're putting them in the moment." <br /><br />- <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Last_Night_a_DJ_Saved_My_Life_%28book%29">Last Night a DJ Saved My Life, Bill Brewster and Frank Broughton, 2000</a>Pandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-71593233125064525892010-12-28T00:25:00.001-08:002010-12-28T00:33:49.321-08:00Hope and FearHere I am again. It's Christmas, again and I find myself reflecting like I seem to do every year on how much things have changed (and stayed the same). I woke up this morning with a weird sense of conviction that although life is about many things that change over time, and now was the time for life to be about coming together regardless of reason, or time. <br /><br />The older I get the more unsure I am about whether Christmas spirit is about joy, or anxiety. I feel anxious all the time around this time of year, as if things are supposed to go a certain way and we are all expected to live up to an embodiment of joy and virtue and miracles that is impossible. <br /><br />I watched a documentary recently about a family in 1956 who had won a trip to Disneyland called 'Disneyland Dream'. I was never alive in the 50s, but I feel like we live with its endless idealism and imagination and disregard for the imminent depletion and real limitations of things like resources, and class systems, and human compassion. <br /><br />And it makes me wonder why, 50 years later, we guilt ourselves for not having the 9 to 5, the nuclear household in a suburban neighborhood, or the safe retirement plan and latest appliances. Have we not figured out that the life model of going to college and getting a great job and earning that promotion and being rewarded for our integrity is based on the conditions of an American Dream which has clearly crumbled at its foundations?<br /><br />We don't have Norman Rockwell dinners. People die, and jobs are lost. And integrity is rarely rewarded. And this isn't a tragedy, or a failure anymore than waking up from a dream. Its just the truth. <br /><br />This Christmas, my grandmother is not with us, and we are not what we once were. Uncles are sick, and injured and unhealthy and Aunts miss their mothers. The children have finally moved out in their near 30s after five years or so of suffering questions of self-worth and capabilities. We are not ideal. How could we have been? But we are a family, and together, we are happy. We are perfect. <br /><br />If you asked me what Christmas meant to me, the only thing I could be sure of is that this is the time my family spends two weeks out of the year eating food and playing games together- and that's good enough for me. <br /><br />The new year brings even more anxiety. What is going to happen to us? Will this year be good? Will this year not be good? Will we follow through with the promises that we make to ourselves and others? Is this the year that the apocalypse will come? Am I going to die in 2011? <br /><br /><center><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrIucDzU9KluqE-WTUTr2XabT-1hU87lLrDT4AJnAvQCgNJnTiYox35keDKEBgMFSI7DgMX1jmbgOdaXEUtXuQ4IHeJMVi9qkDWdrukrV5aGcDwgh1_TjnE9cZyXxQPARvMgpzlDcSDIRm/s400/hope+and+fear.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 266px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrIucDzU9KluqE-WTUTr2XabT-1hU87lLrDT4AJnAvQCgNJnTiYox35keDKEBgMFSI7DgMX1jmbgOdaXEUtXuQ4IHeJMVi9qkDWdrukrV5aGcDwgh1_TjnE9cZyXxQPARvMgpzlDcSDIRm/s400/hope+and+fear.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a></center><br /><br />I forget sometimes, that January 1 is just a day like any other day. It has no magical powers except that it is a poignant reminder of the mystery that is our future, and the uncertainty it brings. It reminds us how much we hope, and fear. My grandmother died on December 31, 2010 and a chapter began in my life that I never even had a concept of. I simply just could not imagine life without her, and here I was, and here she was not. <br /><br />But then life kept going, and I kept breathing, and I was alive. In June my dear friend Josh died accidentally, and I did not know that I could hurt so profoundly as I did when I realized that he'd had hopes and fears too, and dreams and that we'd never grow old together and be able to look back with joy on all our mistakes and masterpieces.<br /><br />I will always hold that melancholy in my heart. Tears of grief are hot tears and they tattoo our cheeks. Every time we look in the mirror we see their marks, even if no one else can. Every time I look in the mirror, I see my grandmother, and Josh. How could I forget them when they are me?<br /><br />It was so unexpected. Life has kept going and I have found that it is even more beautiful than I could have possibly grasped ten years ago, or even yesterday. Every day, and I realize how blessed I am to realize this, that out of reason or time we find each other and come together… that out of reason or time we can't help but to help each other find ourselves, lost as we are… we come back changed to the places that changed us, only to find that they have changed too and all of this hope and fear filters through our minds and into our own personal histories… and eventually, some time between now and our last breathe, we will see what an epic tale it is, that your life is a timeless legend so perfect that you couldn't have imagined or anticipated it even if you tried.Pandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2883764010046364376.post-44169370982854367532010-11-29T10:44:00.000-08:002010-11-29T11:05:01.700-08:00Ignorance is Unnatural<center><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Arts/Arts_/site_furniture/2007/08/17/noisepollution460.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 460px; height: 300px;" src="http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Arts/Arts_/site_furniture/2007/08/17/noisepollution460.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /></center><p><br /><br />"Modern man lives isolated in his artificial environment, not because the artificial is evil as such, but because of his lack of comprehension of the forces which make it work- of the principles which relate his gadgets to the forces of nature, to the universal order. It is not central heating which makes his existence 'unnatural,' but his refusal to take an interest in the principles behind it. By being entirely dependent on science, yet closing his mind to it, he leads the life of an urban barbarian." —Arthur KoestlerPandai'ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17225022378024800467noreply@blogger.com0