I keep thinking to myself, am I ready? But I know it's not what I really mean. Today my good friend Chris reminded me, 'you are always ready', which was fitting, since I'd ended my last entry saying, 'you are never ready'. In a way, we're both right. Which doesn't make sense, but the truth rarely does.
What is really going through my head? I am so overwhelmed with emotion these last few days. My boyfriend Cody told his sister when we were having dinner together that I was leaving, maybe forever. That really terrified me. I don't want to leave forever, but I don't think anyone ever really does. What am I afraid of? I'm afraid I'm not done here, that my time here is incomplete. I am faced with the possibility of being hired for a job in NYC.. in the event that I am, I will have to cut my time on the U.S.N.S. Martin short, and move to NYC to start work May 24, which is in about one month. What makes me more nervous though, is that if this happens, I will not be moving back home to Texas (or to Cody) at all, at least not any time soon.
Possibilities are exciting, I live for them, I live them. I know that the choices I make in my life are the only choices I could have made at the time. It is pointless to regret one's decision, or to think you could have made a better one- these are the things that add texture and vibrance to our life's history, without them, there is no 'us'. But with every road taken it's impossible not to wonder what could have happened if I'd gone left, instead of right. It's hard to know what possibility you'd given up to pursue another, and subsequently hard to accept that you will probably never know exactly what it is that you have given up by making the choices you do.
But choices must be made. Every minute that goes by there are different choices to be made, and they have to be made, because time will not stand still for your indecisiveness. I often question whether I'm making certain choices for the right reason. Today, I am wondering why I chose to work on this ship. I tell people it's a good opportunity to make money, that it will be a new experience and something I've never done before. I'm not sure what I'm looking to accomplish except that I know it will be, at the very least, interesting.
On the other side of things I'm leaving someone behind who loves me, this I know, without sitting around and wondering about it. And I feel like I've gone through enough at this point to understand the value and rarity of that. As I make this decision I leave the comfort of my family and new friends, and the relative predictability and peace that I find here in Texas, which I'm proud to say, I've finally learned to appreciate.
Which leaves me wondering, as I abandon it, have I REALLY finally learned to appreciate that which I have? I have always made decisions based on how interesting, or colorful they are. Would this be a good story to tell, would this go well in a book? Will I see something I have never seen before? Will I learn something I could not have learned anywhere else? Often this has involved me moving myself somewhere totally alien, often alone, and struggling through all the unseen factors that one must adapt to in a new environment. I don't regret the life I have lived so far. But it has admittedly been very difficult, and required a lot of bravery that I may or may not have had at the time.
Sometimes, I get worn out. This past year, I finally allowed myself a chance to heal and recuperate by going home and to be honest, I have never been happier. Which makes me wonder, if it's necessary for me to make my life so much harder, lonelier and unpredictable. Is this the ONLY way to have a good story to tell, to see something I've never seen before, to learn something I could not have learned?
As I get older I start to see things differently. I've been running and running, what would life be like if I just stood still? Certainly I'm old enough to know now that I could never escape experience, that it is to be had no matter where you are or what you are doing. It makes me wonder, perhaps there is an adventure out there that doesn't require loneliness, or difficulty.
Somewhere along the horizon I have daydreams of some day accepting unconditional love into my life, for better or worse... daydreams of COMMITMENT. Settling down and starting a family is a new chapter, and an endless adventure of it's own sort, and while it's still very far away I am starting to see things I never could have a decade ago, which is that marriage and parenthood is an alien adventure in and of itself, that I hope to have some day for the same reason I leave tomorrow on this ship- for the same reason I moved to Boston, and to Maui before that-
- because no matter what you choose to do, there is no turning back, there is only moving forward... and while sometimes it is more fitting to move forward alone it is also wise to realize your own humanity; that love, and family, and happiness are just as necessary as learning, adventure and discovery. That the two are not mutually exclusive. That the adventure doesn't stop even when your feet are planted and your roots have taken hold. That you really can have it all, and that 'having it all' probably just doesn't look the way you thought it would when you were 15, daydreaming about your 20s.
That's ok, though. It's really nice to know what you have now, and that it is good, even (and especially) when you realize that you never would have realized it, had it not been for these years you've lived.
I'm not sure what's going to happen, or where I'll be.. but I feel like I've learned what is important to me.. every year that goes by I am a little more understanding and a little more appreciative and I think this is a good sign, that I'm doing something right..
I have not grown distrusting in the face of deceit, nor have I lost my faith in love in the face of heartbreak. My heart has not stopped beating in the face of absolute failure and I have forgiven myself and others for unforgivable things. I am learning to stop being contrary for the sake of being contrary, and instead am learning to use my stubbornness to hold onto things worth holding onto, like love, or compassion- and to let go of things not worth holding onto.. I look at myself and while it may make sense to be distrusting, or resentful, and it may be understandable to be angry these things don't feel good! They are weights on my shoulders.
In the face of lost love and trust violated, in decisions made that have led to pain and suffering, I choose to continue to live.. choose to continue loving, and trusting and making risky decisions... not because I have not learned my lesson but because I have, and my lesson is this:
I love and trust because I have faith in myself, and I have faith in you. And nothing will ever change that.
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