10 Days

It doesn't really feel like it's only been 10 days since I've been here... when you spend almost all of your time in one place, it rarely does.

I'm not as bored as I thought I would be… I spent most of last weekend on Logic, but honestly didn't work on beats too much during the week, mostly because I've spent that time getting to know the crew, and getting to know my way around Mobile (pronounced 'mow-beel', apparently, I've been corrected more than a few times…).

Monday was Port Engineer Dave's birthday and through the weekend I'd been somewhat of a ghost, only leaving my cabin to grab food from the galley- but by Sunday I was feeling a bit lonely so thought it best to get to know the people I'm living on the ship with- the guys invited me out for oysters and beers and so I went, and unsurprisingly had a lot of fun- sailors are a group that most people like me rarely have the luxury of spending time with, they're friendly, rambunctious, and hilarious and they've travelled to places you and I might never go to in our lifetimes… certainly I don't know what it's like to be at sea for months like they do, to call Korea, or Saipan, or the Philippines my temporary home and to have hangouts in dive bars all across the globe… honestly it sounds like a pretty good life to me.

It's rough work I imagine, they all work 12 hour days 7 days a week, and this ship is noisy, and the air is thick with the sounds of drilling and scraping and banging… I've been blasting music on the studio monitors that I bought last week on one of our excursions into town just to drown out all the noise.

I don't know if it's because I'm in the deep south, but I've really been into Bobbie Gentry lately, this Mississippi-born country singer from the 70's.. her voice comes from a low, scratchy, sensual place that reminds me of the swamplands that surround the shipyard. It's been incredibly humid, grey and muggy lately and according to the ship's captain it will be this way until the winds shift on Tuesday. If we weren't near land this would be called the 'doldrums'… foggy and gloomy as far as the eye can see. I love that the guys know about things like the wind, and the currents, and are able to predict the when's and what's based on such things.

The oil slick is fast approaching, so we have been going to the Wentzell's, a local popular oyster bar while we can still get fresh oysters. Last night was our last chance, I think. I'd never really been much into oysters but the crew will clean out twelve dozen in an hour and I've kind of developed a taste for them… it's a pity they're no longer available anymore. The water in the bay looks mucky now, and it won't get much better. Odd timing spending my summer on the gulf the year there is an epic oil spill.

The work I do here is pretty simple, and I am getting along great with everyone… it's not unlike my last job on the Stockham, the big difference being this time, I'm not in Boston, or anywhere near home so I don't really ever leave the shipyard unless it's to go out with the crew, or run errands and I don't know anyone else in Mobile. It's definitely a huge help that the crew has been so welcoming to me. I don't know what I would do if they hadn't… it's hard to explain, and I'm not complaining, but being the only female on a ship is a challenge…

… I walk out of my cabin and people stare, and it's not out of rudeness. If I were them, I would stare too- it's unusual to see this young girl in a hardhat walking around a shipyard. I am an oddity. So it's no surprise that I feel a little odd. I know in time, they will get used to me, and I will get used to them.

I miss my Mom, and my brothers, and my friends. I really, really miss Cody and kitty and laying around watching nature documentaries. I want to say I know it's only for a little while, but to be honest I just don't know that.

A few days before I left, a recruiter from Wolters Kluwer, the company my mom works for, contacted me regarding a full time position in their Manhattan office. I'd applied for a job as an editorial assistant some time in December and I guess they'd held on to my resume… some time today I am supposed to take a two=part evaluation as part of the interview process, and if it still seems like a good fit I will go to NYC May 6-7 for a two day long in-person interview.

It's weird, because I said I would not move back to the east coast unless I had a full-time, well paying stable job with benefits. So in a way if this job works out its sort of a dream come true- I will actually be able to afford to live in the city I've been wanting to live in since I was 15 (NYC) - all of this sort of came out of left field. I wasn't expecting it.

The strange thing is, I thought I would be more excited.. I mean, this has been my dream forever. It's odd how your perspective can change as you grow older. I've been living with my Mom back in Texas for the past five months or so, waiting tables at a burger joint. When I was younger, I would have died if I knew at age 26 I would be living at home, waiting tables. But I'm older now, and I know better about what happiness is. And to be honest, I have been happier than I've been in years. I'm really surprised. And also really pleased to know that I've grown up a little, and realized what's important in life.

Which leaves me a little torn now, presented with the opportunity to pursue a lifelong dream by moving to NYC. I am happy in Texas. Is this the right move for me? I really don't know… meanwhile, I'm continuing with the application process. It's highly likely they won't even hire me so there's no point in getting ahead of myself. I should be so lucky that the alternative to getting this job is to go home to my loving family, friends and boyfriend, with money saved, the option of traveling, and the intent to go back to school and learn some fun things. I don't know what I'm so stressed about. Maybe some part of me just can't believe I'd consider turning down a great job in NYC to go home, and go to community college.

But the thing is, I've learned something, about happiness. Which is that you can't choose what makes you happy, or where it is. Most people, most of the time don't even know- and I should be so lucky as so suddenly find myself in a position where I open my eyes, and realize, I'm grateful to be alive, for the bed I wake up in, the friends I spend time with, the family I belong to and the man who loves me. Even if that place, and those people, are in Texas. The last place I ever thought I'd feel at home.

Further, I'm being offered another ship job after this one ends (June 16th) and I'm considering getting my mariner's license to do this full time, because it's fun, there's adventure involved, it pays well, and I'd have a TON of time off. It just seems to suit me. So what should I do? Become a trademark researcher for a big corporation in Manhattan (which, nobody's trying to fool me, is really boring work), or become a sailor, sail the open seas four months a year and slag around, well, ANYWHERE really, the rest of the time, making music, or playing golf, or whatever the fuck I want to do? Decisions upon decisions. I guess we'll just have to see.