"One, remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet.
Two, never give up work. Work gives you meaning and purpose and life is empty without it.
Three, if you are lucky enough to find love, remember it is there and don't throw it away."
- Stephen Hawking, on what advice he has passed on to his three children, in an interview with Diane Sawyer
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
It's a Man's World
"This is a man's world... but it would be nothing, without a woman or a girl." - James Brown
I struggle when I try to discuss gender. For something so polarized it just seems like such a complicated issue from where I'm standing...
I wanted to believe that men and women, in particular, were created equal. I grew up with two brothers, Emil and Brent. Until my cousin Carisa was born when I was 12, I was the only girl out of 9 grandchildren. My two best friends in kindergarten were Justin and Alejo. When I grew up a little more, my two best friends in high school were John, and Oliver. In college, I met my best friend, and one of the greatest men I know, Carl.
I have always been comfortable around boys. Part of me will always assume that we were created equal. Part of me will always think that we women are just as strong, just as capable, and just as intelligent. And I think, part of me is right-
- but as I have grown wiser, and older, I have learned something that is hard to hear.. which is in gender, we are NOT equal.
None of us are. We were never created equal.. whether you are male or female you were born and your biology gave you a set of obstacles to overcome, and your upbringing gave you prejudices and ignorances to defy as you grew older and chose to see the world through new eyes, governed by new rules and new considerations.
This is what wisdom is, and it's complicated and always changing. The world to me today is so very different from a few years, or even a few months ago. It's overwhelming and confusing... and at the same time I see it more clearly... I have more clarity. At least I like to think so.
In a way I think we have assigned way too much value to the concept of equality. I know our forefathers were privy to point out that 'all men are created equal' but we have to remember these were the same dudes who owned slaves and left out the other half of the population (women).
Why do we have to be equal? Why do 'I' have to = 'You'? Doesn't it seem a bit redundant especially when assuredly the sum of our differences probably amount to greater versatility than simply more of the same thing. Let's think of it in mathematical terms. Let's get 'math'-y.
Think of it this way...
'Me'+'You' > [Me][You]
The logic is sticky here, but follow me- If we both had exactly the same strengths and weaknesses, who would be strong where I am weak? Who would be logical when logic were needed and who would be creative, when creativity were needed? We all have very unique, ever-changing sets of experience and natural qualities. I like to think that on a grand scale, the sum of our varied abilities (combined) is greater than those same strengths and weaknesses (apart).
You know, 'No man (or woman, I guess) is an island' sort-of-thing.
A world where we are NOT created equal does not necessarily mean a world with out equal greatness though, if that makes sense. I thoroughly believe every person has something different to bring to the table- it might be the 'Generation Y' in me. I don't mind the confidence the self-esteem movement of the 80s has given me- 5 years out of college at 27 during an economic recession and I have had mostly all of the accompanying false sense of entitlement beaten out of me.
It might have taken me a while, but just like those in the generations before me who have grown up to 'know better', I've realized that no matter how I'm born, and no matter what I've got to work with- the best things in life come to those who brave the storm, live without fear, and WORK HARD.
Honestly I would prefer not to think about the differences between men and women... it's a touchy subject, probably because who we are supposed to be culturally and socially is so out of whack with the millions of years our biology has taken to get used to the idea of sexual reproduction, and the differentiation of not only our bodies, but our social needs as we have evolved into the sexy communal creatures that we are.
Possibly due to whiplash from the Feminist Movement of our mothers, I have cringed away from the 'F' word. I don't really feel the need for anyone to hear me 'roar'. I don't have to prove a point by burning a bra, as I rather like having a contraption that prevents my bosoms from hitting my knees and gives my back a little extra support.
I have no doubt that my ambivalence stems from the fact that women in generations before me have been bold enough to make the points they needed to make about feminity, and for that I will always be grateful. I live in a world where women force their boyfriends to watch Sex in the City, get married late in life after establishing successful careers, and rappers urge 'all the independent women' to 'git up on tha dancefloor.'
That's not to say I am a complacent woman.. as I type this I am living aboard a Navy carrier ship with 13 men ranging in age from 28 to 60. The only other woman on the shipyard is the one who comes by at 4pm to empty our trash bins. I live with men, I drink with them, I go shopping with them, I work with them all day.
Contrary to popular belief for most of human civilization it was not always necessarily 'A Man's World'. Women had valuable roles in every aspect of society, and in a lot of cases this is also true today, with few exceptions.
Ship life is an exception. Months alone at sea, heavy drinking and getting into trouble in the ports of Saipan, Thailand, Korea and the Philippines are not only a foreign concept to women, but also to most men.. and in this environment which involves a lot of hazardous work, dangerous materials, heavy lifting, filth and machinery... it's not surprising that most everyone here is a 'dude'.
It's part of the human predicament to define one's 'self' while at the same time figuring out where it you fit into this crazy world. Life is about 'finding', finding YOUR self, finding YOUR place. It's understanding that the two pursuits might appear contradictory at times- how do you seperate yourself, while at the same time becoming part of some greater 'whole'?
The same goes for finding yourself in terms of gender.. and in a man's world, where for the most part there is no pre-defined 'place' for a woman, this can be a challenge.
I'm glad I ended up here at this point in my life, where I am relatively comfortable with who I am because this challenge, while difficult, doesn't seem wholly impossible. Some days I feel out of place, especially when the security guard asks me not to leave my ID card on the ID bulletin where everyone else hangs theirs because it 'distracts the workers', or I get whistled at, or someone tries to hit on me every five minutes, because that's what guys do in front of other guys when women are around.
Maybe because of the past three years of DJing, which is also a very male-dominated arena, I feel more or less prepared to deal with the unusual circumstances I currently find myself in. I have learned that a great deal of finding your place in the world is knowing who you are, despite how others see you.
When you are a woman in a man's world, it's impossible to ignore that people stare at you, and that you are an object of curiosity. I feel like there's something to be learned by being aware of your surroundings and accepting that this observation is not a judgment, its just the truth, and only as big of a deal as you choose to make it.
The same goes for DJing.. when you are a woman, people notice.. not because you're being too sexy, not because you're exploiting your gender, not because they're assholes and perverts and not because you're a bitch or a whore- it's just odd. Unusual. A pink dot in a sea of blue.
I am a minority here. It's just a fact, but I'm also smart enough to know that it's just a thing, like having ten fingers and ten toes. It doesn't make me who I am, and it is not my identity.
To further extend that notion, I really think that we are ALL minorities, because we are ALL one-of-a-kind. We are one lonely strange thing... floating in a world of Others. When I think of it this way oddly enough I don't feel so alone, and I don't feel so out of place here among men.
Now as I am approaching my late twenties I think a lot more about what it means to grow up, what it means to be a Woman instead of a Girl, or a Man instead of a Boy and it only gets clearer and more beautiful as the days go by. It has a lot to do with finding that Self, finding that Place... and I think handling the interactions in your life with grace,compassion and dignity; notions which are a great deal more complicated than 'right', 'wrong','good', or 'bad'.
The more we understand ourselves, and forgive ourselves our short-comings... I think the more we are given an opportunity to be aware of the flaws and short-comings of the people around us, and forgive them as you would forgive yourself.
It's a tough lesson to learn, true forgiveness. Someone once told me it's the most difficult thing in the world to do... but that forgiveness is the path to true freedom. I can't pretend I've learned to forgive myself or others completely.. but I can definitely see the truth in that statement and there's really nothing mystical about it. Just think about how it feels to be truly forgiven, and you'll know it too.
Some days I feel like an alien in this man's world, like I am a sheep in a wolf den, or a cupcake at a fat camp. You feel vulnerable, and you feel the need to bare your teeth and project a level of fierceness- this is especially relevent to the DJ world, which is highly competitive in nature... some people are quick to point out that any so-called 'success' I might experience as a DJ must have to do with my gender and I used to get really quite defensive about it. I used to really want to prove that my gender had nothing to do with the business of being recognized.
But that's like trying to prove Grace Jones would be just as fierce if she looked like Woody Allen, it's bunk point. Showmanship is about the full package, about knowing what you have to work with, accepting the factors you can't change and growing where growth permits. If that seems kind of shallow consider this: creative expression is both the ultimate selfish-ness, and the ultimate self-lessness- so along that line of logic (or lack thereof) it makes sense that a true performer 'has what it takes' on both a superficial AND profound level.
You cannot help if you were born into a poor family and have to work hard to survive. You cannot help (very much) being male or female, or how you look or how sharp you are.
But regardless of all those things, if you want to do anything, be a DJ, be rich and famous, be a wife and mother- it's very valuable to be AWARE.
It's valuable to be aware of WHY you want what you want. It's valuable to step back and be honest with yourself, and tell yourself the truth about whether that thing you want is within your reach. You might find that it's not really even 'you' who wants to reach it.
I really think all it takes is knowing if your intentions come from passion- if it is truly part of who you are, then at every point in the journey from point A to point B you will be content.. there is no rush, and it is not a race... it is just inevitable. We are all on a path.. not toward becoming GREAT, or becoming MORE, but toward becoming Ourselves. We are born complete... but it's only when the sands and tides of time have washed away the shrouds of our self-doubt that we shine through luminescent.
.... but I have gone off on a tangent.
I really meant to be writing about what has been going through my head a lot lately, which is this- when I think of what it means to belong in a man's world, I always think in my head that what it means to be a woman, or a girl... is the same as it what it means to be a daughter and a sister, a mother, an aunt or a grandmother.
Every woman is someone's daughter. If we're lucky we will be mothers, all of us at some point will be in a position to care for someone, nurture them and teach them. Every brother has fought with their sister and also protected her- has looked up to her and competed with her. Every sister is secretly proud of her brother.
When you think of family, biological or otherwise, you think of a unit which loves without condition, which will support and protect you, in which you have a place forever, and are not alone.
I don't mean to wax utopian because at the same time, every single family that has ever existed is totally dysfunctional.
I don't have to tell you that this human family you belong to probably does not love you unconditionally. It probably is not supporting or protecting you, and I'll bet you a billion dollars that sometimes you get lonely.
But I will tell you this, regardless of whether or not you are one woman among hundreds of men- if you treat the people around you like family, they will take care of you, too. I guess that's where my brain is at these days.
I struggle when I try to discuss gender. For something so polarized it just seems like such a complicated issue from where I'm standing...
I wanted to believe that men and women, in particular, were created equal. I grew up with two brothers, Emil and Brent. Until my cousin Carisa was born when I was 12, I was the only girl out of 9 grandchildren. My two best friends in kindergarten were Justin and Alejo. When I grew up a little more, my two best friends in high school were John, and Oliver. In college, I met my best friend, and one of the greatest men I know, Carl.
I have always been comfortable around boys. Part of me will always assume that we were created equal. Part of me will always think that we women are just as strong, just as capable, and just as intelligent. And I think, part of me is right-
- but as I have grown wiser, and older, I have learned something that is hard to hear.. which is in gender, we are NOT equal.
None of us are. We were never created equal.. whether you are male or female you were born and your biology gave you a set of obstacles to overcome, and your upbringing gave you prejudices and ignorances to defy as you grew older and chose to see the world through new eyes, governed by new rules and new considerations.
This is what wisdom is, and it's complicated and always changing. The world to me today is so very different from a few years, or even a few months ago. It's overwhelming and confusing... and at the same time I see it more clearly... I have more clarity. At least I like to think so.
In a way I think we have assigned way too much value to the concept of equality. I know our forefathers were privy to point out that 'all men are created equal' but we have to remember these were the same dudes who owned slaves and left out the other half of the population (women).
Why do we have to be equal? Why do 'I' have to = 'You'? Doesn't it seem a bit redundant especially when assuredly the sum of our differences probably amount to greater versatility than simply more of the same thing. Let's think of it in mathematical terms. Let's get 'math'-y.
Think of it this way...
'Me'+'You' > [Me][You]
The logic is sticky here, but follow me- If we both had exactly the same strengths and weaknesses, who would be strong where I am weak? Who would be logical when logic were needed and who would be creative, when creativity were needed? We all have very unique, ever-changing sets of experience and natural qualities. I like to think that on a grand scale, the sum of our varied abilities (combined) is greater than those same strengths and weaknesses (apart).
You know, 'No man (or woman, I guess) is an island' sort-of-thing.
A world where we are NOT created equal does not necessarily mean a world with out equal greatness though, if that makes sense. I thoroughly believe every person has something different to bring to the table- it might be the 'Generation Y' in me. I don't mind the confidence the self-esteem movement of the 80s has given me- 5 years out of college at 27 during an economic recession and I have had mostly all of the accompanying false sense of entitlement beaten out of me.
It might have taken me a while, but just like those in the generations before me who have grown up to 'know better', I've realized that no matter how I'm born, and no matter what I've got to work with- the best things in life come to those who brave the storm, live without fear, and WORK HARD.
Honestly I would prefer not to think about the differences between men and women... it's a touchy subject, probably because who we are supposed to be culturally and socially is so out of whack with the millions of years our biology has taken to get used to the idea of sexual reproduction, and the differentiation of not only our bodies, but our social needs as we have evolved into the sexy communal creatures that we are.
Possibly due to whiplash from the Feminist Movement of our mothers, I have cringed away from the 'F' word. I don't really feel the need for anyone to hear me 'roar'. I don't have to prove a point by burning a bra, as I rather like having a contraption that prevents my bosoms from hitting my knees and gives my back a little extra support.
I have no doubt that my ambivalence stems from the fact that women in generations before me have been bold enough to make the points they needed to make about feminity, and for that I will always be grateful. I live in a world where women force their boyfriends to watch Sex in the City, get married late in life after establishing successful careers, and rappers urge 'all the independent women' to 'git up on tha dancefloor.'
That's not to say I am a complacent woman.. as I type this I am living aboard a Navy carrier ship with 13 men ranging in age from 28 to 60. The only other woman on the shipyard is the one who comes by at 4pm to empty our trash bins. I live with men, I drink with them, I go shopping with them, I work with them all day.
Contrary to popular belief for most of human civilization it was not always necessarily 'A Man's World'. Women had valuable roles in every aspect of society, and in a lot of cases this is also true today, with few exceptions.
Ship life is an exception. Months alone at sea, heavy drinking and getting into trouble in the ports of Saipan, Thailand, Korea and the Philippines are not only a foreign concept to women, but also to most men.. and in this environment which involves a lot of hazardous work, dangerous materials, heavy lifting, filth and machinery... it's not surprising that most everyone here is a 'dude'.
It's part of the human predicament to define one's 'self' while at the same time figuring out where it you fit into this crazy world. Life is about 'finding', finding YOUR self, finding YOUR place. It's understanding that the two pursuits might appear contradictory at times- how do you seperate yourself, while at the same time becoming part of some greater 'whole'?
The same goes for finding yourself in terms of gender.. and in a man's world, where for the most part there is no pre-defined 'place' for a woman, this can be a challenge.
I'm glad I ended up here at this point in my life, where I am relatively comfortable with who I am because this challenge, while difficult, doesn't seem wholly impossible. Some days I feel out of place, especially when the security guard asks me not to leave my ID card on the ID bulletin where everyone else hangs theirs because it 'distracts the workers', or I get whistled at, or someone tries to hit on me every five minutes, because that's what guys do in front of other guys when women are around.
Maybe because of the past three years of DJing, which is also a very male-dominated arena, I feel more or less prepared to deal with the unusual circumstances I currently find myself in. I have learned that a great deal of finding your place in the world is knowing who you are, despite how others see you.
When you are a woman in a man's world, it's impossible to ignore that people stare at you, and that you are an object of curiosity. I feel like there's something to be learned by being aware of your surroundings and accepting that this observation is not a judgment, its just the truth, and only as big of a deal as you choose to make it.
The same goes for DJing.. when you are a woman, people notice.. not because you're being too sexy, not because you're exploiting your gender, not because they're assholes and perverts and not because you're a bitch or a whore- it's just odd. Unusual. A pink dot in a sea of blue.
I am a minority here. It's just a fact, but I'm also smart enough to know that it's just a thing, like having ten fingers and ten toes. It doesn't make me who I am, and it is not my identity.
To further extend that notion, I really think that we are ALL minorities, because we are ALL one-of-a-kind. We are one lonely strange thing... floating in a world of Others. When I think of it this way oddly enough I don't feel so alone, and I don't feel so out of place here among men.
Now as I am approaching my late twenties I think a lot more about what it means to grow up, what it means to be a Woman instead of a Girl, or a Man instead of a Boy and it only gets clearer and more beautiful as the days go by. It has a lot to do with finding that Self, finding that Place... and I think handling the interactions in your life with grace,compassion and dignity; notions which are a great deal more complicated than 'right', 'wrong','good', or 'bad'.
The more we understand ourselves, and forgive ourselves our short-comings... I think the more we are given an opportunity to be aware of the flaws and short-comings of the people around us, and forgive them as you would forgive yourself.
It's a tough lesson to learn, true forgiveness. Someone once told me it's the most difficult thing in the world to do... but that forgiveness is the path to true freedom. I can't pretend I've learned to forgive myself or others completely.. but I can definitely see the truth in that statement and there's really nothing mystical about it. Just think about how it feels to be truly forgiven, and you'll know it too.
Some days I feel like an alien in this man's world, like I am a sheep in a wolf den, or a cupcake at a fat camp. You feel vulnerable, and you feel the need to bare your teeth and project a level of fierceness- this is especially relevent to the DJ world, which is highly competitive in nature... some people are quick to point out that any so-called 'success' I might experience as a DJ must have to do with my gender and I used to get really quite defensive about it. I used to really want to prove that my gender had nothing to do with the business of being recognized.
But that's like trying to prove Grace Jones would be just as fierce if she looked like Woody Allen, it's bunk point. Showmanship is about the full package, about knowing what you have to work with, accepting the factors you can't change and growing where growth permits. If that seems kind of shallow consider this: creative expression is both the ultimate selfish-ness, and the ultimate self-lessness- so along that line of logic (or lack thereof) it makes sense that a true performer 'has what it takes' on both a superficial AND profound level.
You cannot help if you were born into a poor family and have to work hard to survive. You cannot help (very much) being male or female, or how you look or how sharp you are.
But regardless of all those things, if you want to do anything, be a DJ, be rich and famous, be a wife and mother- it's very valuable to be AWARE.
It's valuable to be aware of WHY you want what you want. It's valuable to step back and be honest with yourself, and tell yourself the truth about whether that thing you want is within your reach. You might find that it's not really even 'you' who wants to reach it.
I really think all it takes is knowing if your intentions come from passion- if it is truly part of who you are, then at every point in the journey from point A to point B you will be content.. there is no rush, and it is not a race... it is just inevitable. We are all on a path.. not toward becoming GREAT, or becoming MORE, but toward becoming Ourselves. We are born complete... but it's only when the sands and tides of time have washed away the shrouds of our self-doubt that we shine through luminescent.
.... but I have gone off on a tangent.
I really meant to be writing about what has been going through my head a lot lately, which is this- when I think of what it means to belong in a man's world, I always think in my head that what it means to be a woman, or a girl... is the same as it what it means to be a daughter and a sister, a mother, an aunt or a grandmother.
Every woman is someone's daughter. If we're lucky we will be mothers, all of us at some point will be in a position to care for someone, nurture them and teach them. Every brother has fought with their sister and also protected her- has looked up to her and competed with her. Every sister is secretly proud of her brother.
When you think of family, biological or otherwise, you think of a unit which loves without condition, which will support and protect you, in which you have a place forever, and are not alone.
I don't mean to wax utopian because at the same time, every single family that has ever existed is totally dysfunctional.
I don't have to tell you that this human family you belong to probably does not love you unconditionally. It probably is not supporting or protecting you, and I'll bet you a billion dollars that sometimes you get lonely.
But I will tell you this, regardless of whether or not you are one woman among hundreds of men- if you treat the people around you like family, they will take care of you, too. I guess that's where my brain is at these days.
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