I haven't felt this overwhelmed in a while. To be honest, I haven't felt overwhelmed in this particular way, ever, in my life. Things are changing, but not like they changed before.
At this point in my life I think I'm finally able to see the consequences of the choices I am making. What I mean is, the difference is I finally realize that when you reach out toward something new, when you pursue your hopes and dreams, you transition from an environment full of blessings and faults, into yet another environment, with both of those things, every time and always.
I think there's a good chance I might get hired for my dream job. I try not to get my hopes up, but based on the facts it seems highly likely. At the very least, I'm faced with the possibility of it and now, I am thinking about it. As always, my future is just on the horizon and I am envisioning possible trajectories, which is a very human thing to do. As one of my best friends put it, things could be worse. Things could be stagnant.
What may happen if I get hired is unimaginable. I would have a full time job doing something I love in the only place that ever felt like home to me. What may happen if I do not get hired, is also unimaginable. I just know that no matter what, great things are on the horizon.
I love so many people, and I am so loved. I can't tell you how satisfying this is to me, but you probably know because you are loved, too. It feels really good to know this, and it seems like a really simple thing to understand, but its taken me my whole life to really know this.
How can you lose, then? What can you do, except be happy, be a better person and know your own beauty the way you know the beauty of those around you. Look at us broken, flawed things. Look how perfect we are. Sometimes I can't even stand it and I think my heart is going to burst and I mistake it for pain, and I'm threatened by it.
I am scared. I know how much I am going to miss my family, and most of all, how much I am going to miss Alex. My life without him, just doesn't shine as bright. I used to be afraid of relying on a person like that. But after all we've both gone through, we are brave and our hearts are strong, but more importantly our hearts are strong for each other. It's not that he makes me invincible, it's that he makes me aware of my own invincibility.
I'm scared because even though I am going to be doing something wonderful, in a wonderful place with wonderful people, I will have to let go of some other wonderful things. I won't get to have pedicures and dinner and yogurt with my mom and talk about how we're both growing up and moving into different phases in our lives. I won't get to have beer and play games with my brothers. I won't be a short plane ride away from my Boston family and I won't be able to spend the summer at Riverside with Alex and the Bishops.
Maybe I'm not so much scared as I mourn the loss of those possibilities. But I've made decisions like this before, and they have made me who I am, which is someone I don't regret becoming. I made the choice when I was 13 to stay in Fort Worth with my grandparents to go to Country Day School. I gave up the remainder of my childhood with my mother and watching my brothers grow up. But I don't even know who I would have become if I hadn't made that choice, and it was the right choice, because here I am and I love you, and I know that I am loved.
I have to let go. I have to be patient.
I was thinking earlier today as I was rushing around waiting tables to make sure my customers did not have to wait long, that patience is really the most valuable thing you could ever learn.
I was just thinking, everything around us tells us to hurry. We want to do things faster, have things sooner, and get from point A to point B as efficiently as possible. But who is it that decided that the efficient way was the best way? Most of the time, it isn't. When you want something done right, it is probably much more likely to happen when it is done with consideration, and not in a rush.
I know that most of my sadness is coming from knowing that I won't see Alex for a while. I miss him so much. Moving across the planet from him is the last thing my heart wants to do. Every day I wish I could hold him.
But I know that taking this job is the right thing to do, because loving someone means that you love yourself enough to know that you need to make decisions based on what will shape you into the best version of yourself, and just have faith that if you belong with someone, your paths will find each other. I will always be looking for him. And I know we will find each other, it just might not be soon. So I guess, it's more a matter of impatience than anything else. Impatience is what makes these tears fall down these cheeks.
